There are things that we all give up when we make choices and nothing lasts forever and blah, blah, blah. All of those things are very true – and yet I woke up today and realized that for the first time in ten years I will not be preforming, I will not be directing, I will not be getting to bare my soul and be vulnerable in front of a thousand people….and I feel so incomplete it hard to put it into words. I thought it was just something I really enjoyed doing and the more I am away I’ve realized performing is who I am.
I told my boyfriend today that when he starts making a ton of money I am going to quit my job and go back to performing.
While he agreed (wonderfully) the reality is that may never, ever happen. I may never stand on a stage again and sing songs or recite lines. The reality is may have left that part of me behind when I left the state. Ultimately, today I am not sure it was worth it. Maybe the wanderlust I felt was for the art and not a change of pace. Who knows – but with the recent loss of so many beautiful, shining lights perhaps I need to fight a little harder to hold onto that part of me that feels alive when I step onto a stage and look at a sea of faces.
I leave you with this clip – Mingulay Boat Song from the first years of From The Ashes.
2012 has been a tumultuous year for me and for many of those I love. It has been full of very exciting opportunities and nearly devastating setbacks. But, I’m coming into this new year, stronger, braver, more joyful, and more experienced than I was in the one I’m leaving behind tonight. Thank you to everyone who helped me through it and pushed me to be better than before. Happy New Year, my loves!
“We’ll drink a cup of kindness yet to days of auld lange syne”
“Ocean is more ancient than the mountains, and freighted with the memories and the dreams of Time.” – H. P. Lovecraft
There is something very grounding about watching the waves crash on the shore. It is in that moment as it has always been. The Ocean is unaffected by technology or progress. The Ocean is unaffected by sorrow and loss or uncertainty and fear. But too, The Ocean is unaffected by joy and pride or love and laughter. The Ocean is unaffected by humanity; and yet – humanity cannot help but be affected by Her.
by the eggs,aisle 12
I tried not to
run her over, and
the grocery store,
she saw me
carrying a bottle
of whiskey, and
I saw her
carrying a container
of milk, and
we knew it
He nearly ran me over,
foot lead on the pedal, pure
Later in the grocery store,
next to the eggs, I reached for my 2%
And sealed my
As he walked out with his bottle of
She sits in the café, a table in the back
every Tuesday (except that one last month)
from noon until eight p.m.
She never orders coffee
only black tea. She never reads a book
only back issues of Cosmopolitan – – cover to cover.
…and some days I want to know her.
I met Paul when I was newly
12–he had turned 19 that
My mother paid him
5 dollars an hour to
“This is the way 2
guys show their
that feel good?”
When I was 15 –
I told my psychiatrist how Paul
had made me feel, and that girl
I fingered in the backseat couldn’t
make me –
“I’ve really missed you
Mr. news Man told me today
that Cali-forn-I-A, state of hippies,
state of celebrities, state of richies,
state of un-natural states
has ended the right for love to prevail.
This argument over linguistics, over
syllables and utterances is at best
stupid and at worst dangerous.
Marriage is a sacred word that only
united men and women are allowed to
say—fine! Pick a new word for it.
Start a congressional committee
To interview the writers of the dictionaries
and the crosswords puzzles and find the word
that means “two humans that live and breathe
on this planet love and are committed to each other”.
End of story, end of the battle.
Because The Beatles spoke the truth
“All you need is love” and because
everyone is fucked up, and everyone likes to fuck.
And it is none of our damn business with who.